Subject: Check Out Some Jokes!! =D Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:39 pm
Some may seem a lil' dirty but guys, try going with the flow. XD Be Open-minded! Wooots~
1. Last Confession
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
Recently a mans friend had passed away. The funeral came and went and the man did not attend. When asked by another friend why he didn't attend the funeral, the man replied, "I didn't go because now he wont come to mine."
Once there was were three guys that were standing at the top of a bilding. One had a knife, another had a brick, and the last one had a bomb. The first one dropped the knive off the building and then he went down and saw a little kid that was crying. He asked him why he was crying and the little boy said, "Somebody dropped a knife off the building and hurt my dog."
The next guy dropped the brick off the building then went down and saw a little girl crying. He asked the little girl why she was crying and she said, "Somebody dropped a brick and hurt my mom!"
The last guy dropped the bomb and then went down and saw an old lady laghing. He asked her why she was laghing and she said, "I farted and the house blew up!"
A guy lives on the top of a mountain and the only store is 10 miles down the mountain. One day the guy walks all the way down to the store and asks the clerk for some dog food. The clerk replied "Sorry, but I have to see the dog first." So, the guy walked all the way back up the mountain, got his dog, went back down, and got his food.
The following day, he comes down again and asks for some cat food. The clerk replies. "Sorry, but I need to see the cat first." So, he walks all the way up the mountain, all the way down, and back up again.
Again on the following day the man comes down, but this time carrying a paper bag. He gets to the store and the clerk asks, "What in the bag." He takes it, looks and yells "OH SHIT!"
"Yep, that's right, I need three rolls of toilet paper."
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?""It was Bob the next door neighbor", she replies. "Great", the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper.
The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:
"Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.
One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.
When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.
There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.
Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.
The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.
I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've come for my dog." She said, "Which one, Spot or Rover?" I said, "What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.
Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "What's your point, so did I." I said, "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He said, "That's what happens in a divorce."
Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.
Subject: Re: Check Out Some Jokes!! =D Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:50 pm
Eh.....Wait.....I know that....I saw from a web bfore...Infact i saved the web under ''My Favourites''....I had no time to post that ''Funny Insults''......Hahahas...But really Damnn FUNNY!!!!! ''Yo Momma''' xPPPPP
Athrun Admin
Number of posts : 2105 Age : 31 Location : Watching over you, you can't see me. Registration date : 2008-01-27
Subject: Re: Check Out Some Jokes!! =D Tue Feb 12, 2008 11:43 pm
=DDDDDDDDDDD Spamming with SIMLEs XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD =DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD =DDDDDDDDDDDDDD xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD This doesnt look like spamming to me xP
Athrun Admin
Number of posts : 2105 Age : 31 Location : Watching over you, you can't see me. Registration date : 2008-01-27
Subject: Re: Check Out Some Jokes!! =D Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:51 pm
Wait u forgot one more thing... This 3 are the most important values in my life =DD -MUSIC, FRIENDSHIP And LOVE that will make the world go really round xPP
Athrun Admin
Number of posts : 2105 Age : 31 Location : Watching over you, you can't see me. Registration date : 2008-01-27
Thu Jan 31, 2008 8:39 pm
